Today is my wedding day. This is my day with togetherness with the one I have chosen to be with. My elders told me that marriage is a union of two unlikely souls. Well, in my part, the wedding turned out to be something more of a time taking and making a series of uncertain moments. Finally, when I am looking myself at the mirror, entirely in red, yellow, and white, I am feeling like a Goddess, who has got ready for her pure devotee. Is this what I always desired out of my life with all those years with him? Is this what I was always asking from him out of my unconditional feelings and emotions?
I am known by the name Doctor Longing, and the togetherness I am talking about is Sinner Lawyer. For a moment, when my friends were putting the crimson lipstick on my lips, I thought of him and felt the longing in my name for him. It would be wrong to say that my love was enough for him, but together we are like that meeting point of the sun and the moon still in infinity.
Over the years, I saw many love stories getting close and away but it is mine, which has stepped in the next world of the infinity of love stories. My name truly has defined the very characteristic of it. By profession, I am a doctor, and by him, I am a Longing for everyone. Why is it him always now? Maybe, when I was coming down from my galaxy, he was a star who saved me from falling in the black holes.
Our first meeting, a simple one, yet has become a milestone for everyone who knows us. I still don’t know, or maybe I know, but I wouldn’t tell anyone what he saw in me. What will you answer yes or no and nothing else? It has to be a yes or no, but it has to be a yes or a no. What kind of a man do you think would only accept a simple truth and nothing else?
My man is one. After seeing each other for a couple of times and even with the company of friends, Sinner Lawyer came to me and asked, “Will you marry me?” He gave me some time to think about it, but he wanted the absolute truth of the question. Well, it is my wedding day, so the answer was yes but the day he asked was not yesterday. It was years ago, and we both have matured by holding each other’s hand.
Imagine two newborn babies asked each other to share milk out of nothing. We both asked each other to share lives out of innocence. In pure innocence as we were destined to share our destinies. We got married the moment we shared our first kiss. We became parents the moment we shared our secrets. We became children the moment we fought. We became lovers the moment we sensed each other in silence. We became family the moment we ate together. We became enemies the moment we crossed our past and future. We became friends the moment we understood each other. We became the world the moment we saw each other’s family. We became addicts the moment we realized our fears. We went apart the moment he grew himself. Love was there but which love.
First few years were like our emotional honeymoon period. Then came the sensitive child period and we found the first child of us between the child and us is a nervous breakdown. We were together for about seven years. And, today, I am his bride, and he is stable mine.
It didn’t take me much time to realize the dialectic truth about our relationship in years as I was creating the foundations between us of the certainty I wanted when he was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. If there is something in this world more unstable than nature, it is the Sinner Lawyer, whom I am marrying.
Now, imagine a woman who is carrying the fire, which is desirable and dangerous at the same moment. I am carrying this fire from the day I realized I am a beautiful woman. But, I became the seductive woman when he touched my lips with his fingers and told me that I got the softest, desired colored, perfectly shaped, and hard to get lips. It is not about him or about me; it is about the beauty we see in the change. Change is inevitable. Time is an illusion. And, I have felt the true nature of our Mother Nature. I am having the exceptional characteristics such as above average height, curvaceous body, above ordinary white tone skin, frothiness skilled face, long fingers, dark brown eyes, and long hair. He told me that I was a woman who could turn men into an animal with a glimpse of me. Am I that desirable? Am I in the unconditional love story of the fairy tales we read about?
It took me months to convince him to pursue higher education and to become the Sinner Lawyer from the Sinner. He is the sinner because he made me fall in love with him and unconditionally. He has a short temper and very quick to turn everything upside down and with the promising guilt. Earlier I felt he didn’t care about anything. But later I realized he did care about everything with the intensity none could have. I have to be with him all the time he wanted. There were times when I needed him the most, and he took me in his arms and said to me that he knew what I was feeling. I believed in him, and he had a fear of losing me. I had questions and answers were not coming to me. Has he just wanted me as his wife? Was he tried to be my master? Was he took me for granted? Did he never feel the fire in me for him? Did not he realize that the light in me would not burn him but would cover him with the infinite meaning of unconditional love? Was I trying to be with him at any cost? Why I was never felt getting apart from him. I was not the one who wanted him to feel dissociate from me. But he did feel lust for other women. Was not I enough for him? Where my body and soul not giving him what he needed? Questions took me over every night, and I just put my trust over everything. For me, he is my only lover and the final draft of my life in love. I asked myself many times that why I should not leave him and look for another man better in understanding my needs, which are just out of unconditional love.
When he was diagnosed with that disorder, I was shattered for a moment because he was pursuing higher education for our future. I was almost lost. But he did give me some satisfaction saying that he would be fine. He promised me to get better soon. My constant visits to the hospital just to give him his meals and took little sensual pleasure amid the friends always gave me a turn on but I was not ready enough to tell him. I had fantasies to get little enjoyment on his bed with him. Trust me; women are much more intense than men. They know what they want and what not want. Women feel urges for their man who almost gets submitted inside them. Just imagine what will happen if every woman starts describing their sensual nature in real. Everyone will get panicked, and there will be chaos inside every man. As men want to see their woman covered in latex and giving them pleasure, women desire to feel that pleasure as well. I always wished that the Sinner Lawyer would ask me to wear stockings, skin-tight clothes and seduce him. But that never happened.
Then, why am I marrying him? I should or I should not. The Sinner Lawyer had earned my unconditional love. I had to accept some facts about him before and after the diagnosis. He had fears buried inside him. He feels his feelings more intensely than others. There were triggers and certain words I had to avoid at possible cost. His urges are more needy and unsatisfied. He got bored with everything in his life. He demanded a sensation in every situation. The situations which did not give him the sensation he left them for others to handle. What a man can do if he does not understand himself? I love him but what love has to do with marriage. Well, I am marrying the person who has hurt me many times. My anger has found a way to come out, and it is in tears. Is this what we both deserve?
While in treatment, he did try to change himself. And, I understood what was going on and from what he going through. I never judged him. I had no reason to do so. But I craved for him. I craved for the love I wanted. I saw him doing things he never did for me. He greeted me in the morning in a way I never thought he would. His unsaid feelings were coming in front. And, I was experiencing something I never did with and about him. I really feel that we took seven years to go to this day. It would be sooner but as he always said that time never waits, but it makes us wait.
I still ask myself why I am marrying the Sinner Lawyer in spite of all those unpleasant moments, a late night alone crying, unbearable suffocation and moments of complete happiness.
“Longing, the time has come for you to step in someone else’s life for a lifetime now. I trust you that you have chosen your partner with much thought. Come, let’s go downstairs. Everyone is waiting for the most beautiful and desirable woman today,” mom put her hand on my shoulder and said. I came out of my web of thoughts and looked at her and smiled. Wish me with something you like.
Follow: Born as Suraj Kumar Jangid, often writes under the names: Suraj Jangid and sjwordsmith, is an author with three books and many poems. He writes on Dark Humor, delicate emotions and taboos in the society. Feedback is important.