I knew that deaths always made me think to hurt. I wanted to hurt myself. The pain was tearing my heart walls and screaming to take up the knife and puncture my skin in various places. I could not do that. But the pain was asking for something, and that something never seemed to be with me.
My grandma went to the fucking heaven she talked about if anyone could be concerned. She died a life worth remembering about. She left a legacy of pain, bearing nerves in my family, which burdened me. I fought hard not to become like anyone in my family. I hate them. At last, I came out to be durable as each one of my family members, who never survived the age to live.
I thought to eat later, but to cut my skin first. I was craving for that. Did not I ask that moment to pass? My thirst for my own blood just needed the blood at the price of the locked room I could get. Things could get turn messy and even the worst if you could ask me. Anxiety could turn you into someone else over seconds. And, I am anxious to eat up the sun!
For months, I tried to keep my urges on the watch. My urges to make someone suffer the way I do. I could not lose control again. I lost control once. I made him suffer more than one can endure. That person made me accept my darkness.
Yes, I tortured someone and memories of that night come eating my sleep. Perhaps, I never wanted to forget what I did. I did not kill him. I could not take someone’s life. I asked him if I could do what I desired in years to do with someone. I took the consent first, and it was the first and the last I picked my tools for someone. I accepted that the pains I carried would never go. And, death did not seem to come.
The thoughts were rushing in my mind like I had consumed an alive universe. I wanted to die! I tried to shut the voices down forever!
I sat on my swing chair, in my room, with dim lights and a decision in mind. The decision, which made me survive long enough to retake it. I put a shaving blade, a butter knife, a surgical knife and a cyanide capsule on the bedside table. I asked myself years ago how I would kill myself. I had nothing to call death. I was ashamed and proud at the same time.
The night came again to accept the darkness I hid from the world. I would not die before earning my death on my terms.
Did not matter who would judge me? Someday I would take the last option.
“Did not you take this road earlier?” A familiar voice was noticed by me, and I wanted to kill him. I just wanted to kill him.
“I killed you that night. How could you come again?” I looked at her in emptiness I never succeeded to give away.
“Are you sure that you killed me that night? I made you who you are!” A tall stature, features of a goddess, looked straight in my eyes to feel something.
“I killed you that night! I became what you asked me. Did I want to become the way you said that you made me? The darkness we shared. The darkness we agreed on to take the pain of all. I chose life over you. You cannot ask me to kill you again. Will you, Deathra?”
“My love, you are still alone! You are always looking for the way to end the pains. I came for them because I cannot disobey my true nature. I am the truth, you know. I am the mistress you created. Let’s talk about what not to do with your new tools. Forgive me, Purple, I seemed to forget my tools.
You are the last person I want to share with life!” she put herself on me. She brushed her fingers on my hair, and she knew I was listening to her.
I sold myself to death’s love. This is what I have done. She comes to see me when she takes a life I love. And I am not ashamed to call her. I know what I suffered and the truth she is. The painful truth in disguise she is for me.
“Let me come with you. A little pain and I will be walking with you. I am going to use the last option tonight, dear.”
“Learn from the past! You cannot take what is yours. I am yours, Purple.”
“Tonight, we both die! I need to die. The pain will end. It will not come back!” I took the capsule in-between my lips, and I kissed her as if it was my last.
“You will never listen. Your death is beside you, and you look at it in the lives of others. I will see you again. Good night, my love!”
Deathra began to fade into the darkness she came out of. She knew she had not to worry about what had happened. Everyone claimed her to time. Perhaps, I would never claim her. Yes, she is a woman to earn, to argue, to make love to!
The sun touches my naked body, and I looked straight in the eyes of life. I felt vengeful again. She came and touched me. Now she went away and paining me! That’s how I meet my darkness every day.