I would not start with stereotypical words and what not about mental illnesses I have heard in my share of life. It is a painful living and misunderstandings, not typical of relationships, make things worse.
Honestly, I am sick of knowing other people’s perspective on something that would take years to understand. I don’t have that much patience left now. I gave every single person many chances to know what they are missing out.
I was asked, “Why do you always step back from some big opportunity?”
“Maybe I am not capable of having so much right now. It hurts when I let my desires drive me. My life is painful and exacerbating; it would not make a change.”
“Don’t fuck with your life. Your BPD does not define you! Take big steps. You are fucking talented!”
“Well, I couldn’t comment on what you said right now.”
“Why? Are you scared of something?”
“No! I am not. I’m tired of telling I’m a borderline personality and it explains why I am like this. It does not make anything who I am, but it keeps me sane to understand what hurts me.”
“You shouldn’t let THIS take over your mind.”
“It is better you don’t tell me what to do anymore. It’s last! I’m listening to you.”
“You want me to leave? I care about you.”
“You better leave. It wouldn’t matter if you stay or not. My suffering wouldn’t stop, but it will find peace if you are or not around.” I told him once, as I remember never to judge me on my behaviour.
Of course, I have had my share of wrongs and rights. I deceived people, let people drove me crazy, and then became numb when things turned bad for me. I spent years in a psychiatric hospital because I failed to make anyone understand what I was feeling.
How could I tell why I was getting seizures and outbursts? Now, I know nothing I could to change their thoughts towards me.
There is a reason I don’t speak. Everything hurts me. And things I do, most of the time, is to protect some part of mine.
I may be wrong in hiding, but if nobody wants to understand, then I am better alone and suffer. This is how I know about my life. It turns super bad and super functional. I enjoy the rides at times I fall in love and that even feel like pain.
Last I checked. Nobody was helping me, so I tried some last options as suicide, and it was not enough. I survived all that. I was alone at that time too. I would be lonely even after meeting someone who would understand me or would be like me.
However, the time has a different meaning to me. I could feel it changing at super speed and at low speed. I am writing this, and in back of mind, I also think about what things I have done to displease anyone. I am also thinking about when I last even tried to make myself happy.
Now, I know it does not matter if anyone would understand this statement or not. I have no desire to keep trying to let others know how I feel.
For instance, if you see someone happy, you feel happy. But when I see someone happy, my mind thinks of thousands of perspectives at that moment. I create stories, characters, and poems from them.
However, I would not feel that loving happiness inside. My happiness sabotages each muscle in my body. It’s like I had three bottles of wine in one go and trying to stand up straight.
Borderline Personality Disorder or other mental illness like depression or general anxiety does not make me the way people see me. I hope someday, things will get better.
Till now, I am here, writing and reading, and surviving good and bad.
You can check out my other blogs, articles, poems, short stories on www.thestigmaticmind.com. Or, read more about Borderline Personality Disorder on Fear of Abandonment: The First Brutal Stone.