Why do you feel like a dream? I desire to sleep and never wake up and face that you have abandoned me. Or you are a dream, which everybody desires but you come to me. I feel I must have taken nights away from by letting myself captured in the world, who demands control over me. I think about you. I think about you as I want to spend my rest of life with you. I am not afraid to tell you that I will come back to you and ask for your soul. Over the years of understanding the absolute truth, I changed my thinking to survive. Do I blame myself or society or both or needs? I don’t know you will read these letters or not but don’t ask me to stop the way I feel about you.
Your smile makes me feel happiness, keep smiling. Will you hold my hand when I will see you? Will you take the risk of being in love with me? I made a promise to you and I am there, thinking about the way you must be feeling as I am absent in sudden. I am sorry for all this. I am sorry. Don’t lose faith in me. I have no faiths in my life but few sayings. What I feel for you is new to me but ways are the same old.
I feel in love before and life took turns like this. I tried to reach her but I was late. She got married. I have no regrets about that time because I was being lusted for something I never realized before her. You are beautiful. I can live for you. Name me with any possible word but I will be just wordsmith. Now I have time to tell you about me. I don’t know much about you but I know you are a woman with the kindest heart I have felt in years. ‘
I slept a little today and after waking up I wished to take out every possible system from inside to feel better. I did not sleep well. I tried to. My day went well. People Here are nice but that scares me. Stay with me, Deathra.
My life is a puzzle with complications beyond the needs of a human being. I am happy to know that people are curious to know me. Two sisters, constantly, trying to love each other but they hate each other more than their existence, Life and Death. I want to solve this puzzle now. And for that you are walking with me I feel. I am unable to understand people by their actions, emotions, and reactions. I need words to understand. I try to know better about people I care and I end up hurting them.
I was around five or six years old, started my schooling and each day in school was like a punishment to me. I wanted to know why I was thrown out of the class if I had my meal with a girl and I told her that her fingers were love, soft, and admirable. Why do people could not understand that having something admirable takes acceptance? Once, a teacher was teaching about values and importance of being human. I asked that if I told my mom that I needed her to hug me because I wanted to feel her touch, would she do so out of life or out of being her son, which was valuable? The teacher scolded me for being pointless. I lost control. I thought to put her inside my dad’s Russian Jeep and burn her every day for preaching the false faiths. I ended up biting her ass hard and listening to my family’s taunts for weeks. Later, I broke the school’s flower pots. I just wanted to know why my mother did not hug me when I wanted. I lost my interest in values. I lost my understanding of my mother.
Still, my mother and I could not talk properly after trying hard and in different ways. I need to feel warmness in someone’s arms stayed inside but it could not come out as tears but the formation of neglection developed. Now, I could ask for a hug but when I hug someone I don’t feel comfort but uncontrol rage to tear the person over and over. It took just one moment to carry the pain till now. My family is caring and understanding yet they failed to consume my knowledge.
Here I feel people are disgusted by their families but would not leave their addictions.
Deathra, how could I feel everything in words but not in security comfort? I want to feel the light of your love. Will you allow me?
P.S-Missing you. Your dreams are mine now. Take care. Waiting for you.