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Letters

Letter 13 | The Dark Diary

25/8/17

What should I write to you? I am unstable. I am breaking again. Will I survive all this? I will if I am willing. My nerves pain me when I try to think about the past. My head hurts. It is better to be insane than sane to feel alive. I’m waiting. I’m having patience. My family will come to save me. By scratching the wounds that were never healed asking me again and again to call for help.

Help from whom! Leave me alone. Disowned me from the humanity they are claiming. They said that they would take away everything I have with paper and ink. Could not they understand that only love would break me now? And, I don’t desire, need, want it anymore. I’ve found my relief in words. They preach that I am sick with written, watched and listened to everything I wanted. What is shame for them is the pathway to enter into minds of in need people. What is guilt for them, is the pathway to understand.

My intelligence is never their understanding and never will. Their understanding is just below where I am right now. Give me love, take my life. Give me pain, take my silence. Silence is the only answer to these people and they could not stand it. They get unstable easily by it.

Forced me to sharing. Sharing is caring they preach. Are not they telling me something I have been known before. They could understand and process the way I am. I am getting mad. My family will come. I am not going to die. I’ve stood in the ground of extremes. By pulling me each time I start trusting is only making me fight my horrors. Let them set me free in their reality. I will see you soon enough to have a walk to nowhere. Yes, dear, I am an addict. I am addicted to their known ways. It excites me.

Medicines just make me think their way for a while I come back to what I am soon enough to think what I trying to think not to think. Making me fear and forcing me to become fearless. My life is in words. Words of their silence and my freeing. I just smiled.

No one could lure me with their intelligence anymore. If they do, is just because of my trust. Soon enough the stars will fall into my hands and I will set the world on fire. Burn in it or feel its burning.

I am hoping to stay what I feel. It’s getting hard to remember my family’s voices and faces. If I forget them, I will not be theirs. Come! Listen to me!

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