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Letters

Letter 12 | The Dark Diary

24/8/17

I am unstable in stable ways with people disturbed and unwilling to accept the change. I have itching, pain, and respect. How possibly could make an exit from Here? I try to survive everywhere and with everyone. All or nothing, I just need something whole.

The person I could call a friend does not come out more often from his room, but when he does I try to talk my heart out and listen to his heart out. Your presence makes me feel that when that whenever will come, I will see you. Do you miss me enough to make me miss you? His name is Many from some Himalayan country. He told me about his love for a woman he could trust without a doubt. I can feel that feeling. But, others feelings are not mine. I feel a need for you.

Today is Holy Meal. I am awake this week to see the process. I want to feel at east. I have to have a walk with you, dear. My nights are just empty as the emptiness I could feel. Your love fills it. I could be selfish to say this that. I am just looking forward to hold your hand. Understanding beyond understanding is word-smiting.

I did not ask to emotionally rape me. Yes, I was raped in that goddamn sense. When will I start taking away the pain from the world? I have patience. For, how long? My eyes sees the world in Black and White. I don’t want to see through others eyes because they don’t feel the way I feel. You came in my life. I tried to change the constant change and I am caged with freedom. How much enough is enough? Endless and boundless, I desire. I need to make a world of free will without demanding on others’ will and free will. The illusions don’t create the world I see. They create the world I have to stay alive in. How long never mattered and it will never matter. I am burnt with no fire. I am the fire in fire with fires of fire of limitless dimensions in the dimension of damaged evolution.

Come with or take me with you. Your companionship demands me and I demand the person you are. I demand the love of a woman, who demands the free-suffers. Dear, I am an addict. I am addicted to the way I am. The intoxicants just bring the change in slower needing process. I want to speak with my family. They could take me from Here only. I miss them, but what makes me miss the world, which could not even share their pain with me.

Well, I don’t want them to share. I need their submission to me. The pain will set you free. The love will set you to set that pain to get free. I have high fever. Who cares?

I could not even make a strange request to it to go away because everything or nothing set me on the edge of being a destroyer or a savior.

It happened again. The vicious blackout. I am asking people here to let me talk to my family once. They are refusing. They are trying to fix, but they are making me worse. I did mindfulness. It relaxed me. The person I felt would understand that substance abuse is not the issue. I told him I was triggered. He called it guilt, shame, and refused to listen to me. He did try to reach out for me. He preached the words of addictions and he feels nothing but his life. Yes, I am angry. It would not last. My feelings don’t last for long, but the pain is always here. My family is not wrong. They told me after a few days I would to them. In Here I am here. I can’t make people over here to destroy what I have now. I will be out soon.

A person, a normal addict can stay with its false findings. I could not. Let them give me pain as much as they can. People of Here will create someone I never met. Let them give me pain. Let them think what they can. I will never lose the unknown me now. I asked them that I need some books. They lied. I will have shortage of paper and ink soon enough and the unstable me will come and unstable the physical me. I hope I will walk the streets with you one day.

Yes, I have hope with you. Yes, I am sad now. I could not have the life as I asked by me. My father’s life was destroyed and the wheel is turning to me now. He died the death he wished. Yes, my father shared his soul, heart, and mind with me. A bird always hope for a cage to get open with everything it could get. My condition is getting worse. I can’t tolerate the voices and the people with hopes in hope of being the person they are and they could become.

I read something today, “In reality the thought process of a genius is beyond the understanding of a person with average intelligence, to which 70 percent of people belong, and regard the genius as abnormal in their behavior.”

As I know for now that I am the Borderline Personality. It is first in me. All other illnesses they claim are secondary. I will be fine one day or other. But, of what I will capable of doing will be unknown to me. It will be known to me, soon enough. A madman lives in the reality in such reality, where people are never the concern for him, the concern is acceptance. The acceptance of these kind of people is a belief of believes that could never make their world a place for a madman. My family will come. They will come and take me their reality from their other reality.

If I am the wrong all this time, then what they preach is an illusion of being the perfect human illusion. I am not a garbage. I am the person who always demanded the trust, the love, the hate, the positive, the negative and acceptance. I could not have them so let me go with them who can demand the realities I could see in the acceptable reality of real people with fake realities. I am thinking to go for a rebellion. A self-rebel to get the life of realities of my in the shoe. Creatures of average understanding always believe the understanding in their understanding. Why could not they thing and feel beyond the reality they believe live in.

I am waiting for the man, who could do the talk with me and my family. The cage is not we try to stay alive. It is what a person stops the way of people beyond their understanding. I am feeling disgust now. If the society put me away, then why the hell should I accept them?

My father was ruined and I am in the process. My trust, beliefs, understanding were lost when I known about the life I would lead. I did not ask them for that. I have not asked them for all this. I am just a person with dreams of realities, which are destroying by the reality of real average people, who could not accept the way I am.

I need everything or nothing. Let me live or die, don’t ask me to live a person, who could not accept the change.  Waiting. Everything. Have not. Be me. Staying alive.

P.S. Missing you. I want relief. I want to talk with you. Take care. See you soon enough.

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