Imagine What Cure You Seek
There is always a story behind each word of pain I share to the world. There are still tears rolling down like a little abandonment of heavenly sickness following through the veins of a mother of lost. I am always told that pain is not going away like the way you have become. It hurts like a million knives are stabbing you and you cannot leave ever.
I tried to create through the pains I endure. I tried to look for a place I could feel no pain even for a second. I failed. And I am failing. And, I am not a disappointment or an abomination to this world. I will never see through the mirrors I already feel every day and that’s the reality I am forced to leave too.
I put my wallet on the bedside table as in routine and laid down on the bed to rest for another day to see her smile. I believe even if I am on hell’s fire for years, it is her smile that pulls me out of suffering a little. And this smile also makes me feel pain, but it is a pain I call love in my life.
“Tell me, what do you think of now?” Aline gave a little caressing to my face and asked. She felt alive. She felt there only.
“Have I ever told you how I feel what I do and don’t? I am scared, even now. It’s a feeling like stars are going to vanish this moment and night sky will weep to eternity.” I looked at her smile again. It’s the same as the morning I saw. She felt the same as me.
“You tell me the parts in words which you know will never fade away. You never talk about your life. You never let me see the other minds you have.”
“You know I write for a living and to survive the life I am given. I am tired of writing and expressing everything. I feel I want to crush someone to death. I can’t know why I feel about dying,” I said, putting her head on my chest.
“I’m still here for you.” She clutched her arms around me a little tight. She never left. She never let me go even.
“Do you believe what I feel is what I am going to do? I love you, and it pains too. I feel like that abandoned soul, who could never go back to heaven or hell or whatever it belongs to, I have nothing except doing what I have done once. I must do everything again to see the end.”
“You sleep now. I am here to bring some relief to you,” she said and put a kiss on my lips.
“You make this lifeless miserable.”
I could have slept like a baby that night. I did not catch a bird of sleep that night. All I thought was about this woman I could say whatever I feel. That’s what I do in pain, I make words alive. It’s not tragic that I am gifted the gift of creation, but, tragically, the everlasting beauty does not come with happiness as our mind tells us. All I thought was about darkness asking me to destroy everything known to mankind so that they could feel how I feel with each breathes I take. It’s not hatred, it’s a simple explanation of what I restrain myself from.
“You still writing in the dreams you can control,” Aline spoke again as I started to drift off to thoughts I could never say aloud.