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MENTAL HEALTH RECOVERY STORIES

Fear of Abandonment: The First Brutal Stone of Borderline Personality Disorder

“You’ve zoned yourself in the BPD…get out of there! Life is not as painful as you describe.” Said every person who tried to know a little deeper about me. At first, I felt anger and, then nothing. I could not go around blaming and explaining to everyone why I am like the way they see.

The fear of abandonment, it is much of dreadful feelings that somebody, someday or something will leave for some other life, and I will have nothing to live for. Its description lies in the complication of a relationship I am having with the person. It does not matter if the person knows what I go through or why I shut myself for days.

“Please Don’t Leave Me” by Bas Jan Ader, 1969

For me, its definition changed over the eight years, and it would change again. The first I came up with was staying, loving, hurting, leaving, and vanishing. Other ones got messier than this one.

The Attachment and The Detachment

How long does it take for a person to get attached emotionally with another person? It is a general question, and the typical answer is maybe a week or a few hours. Same goes with detachment.

I will tell you something different when your emotional senses are in the definition of Borderline Personality Disorder. It takes seconds to get attached and detached. Scary, is not it? Try to feel this circle for every person you meet every day, and you know it hurts, and it will not stop ever. It feels as there are strings that seek other strings and never want to bind together.

Where does it root itself so complicatedly that there is no escape? Neglection? Unattended emotional needs? Family disorientation? Nothing as such. I have heard all these things a thousand times, and these could not be the answers, but a simple way of understanding a complex mind as written in the textbooks.

bpddisorderedme

The attachment and detachment make things that dreadful that either the person leaves or I do. Honesty, I am still single, and there are no friends with I can share my thoughts. I am not lonely or socially detached even. I find myself better in a place where I can wait to heal the damage and find someone again. It may sound bad enough to ignore or hate me, but life is simple as people say!

Emotional Process and Healing

I worked in-house in addiction and rehabilitation centers for months. There were many deaths I came across, and those shattered every single notion of human emotions I ever known.

I do not process feelings as an average defined person does. I am not saying I am different or something else. I process them fast, and conclusions are always horrific. As mentioned if there is a beginning, then there is an end.

Now, imagine yourself knowing the consequences of each decision you may make on gained knowledge through the books, people, and life. Please put them in a mental box and wait. It will take all of your energy, but the small decisions will always matter. Then, think about a person you love, and you will see darkness staring at you blank. There is an end, and it is not always death. Death is a sorrowful truth, yet understandable.

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At night, my mind process whatever I feel in a day, and it takes hours to tell myself that even the odds are always falling, there is a chance that things will work. False hope is a hope of work sometimes.

I learned how I could understand others because it was difficult to understand what a person feels if eating too fast. The journey was painful, and the destination is a new page each day.

Indeed, fear of abandonment is the first brutal stone of Borderline Personality Disorder. It varies from person to person and as a wise man said the human mind is on the brink of evolution, and it would hurt unimaginably.

Departing Notes

Life is not a gift or a curse. It is the present that awaits another experience. I welcome whatever comes or leaves.

You can check out DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) designed for BPD. Keep in mind what you go through, it affects people you interact every day, and it hurts when someone claims to understand.

Quotes from Dr. Marsha Linehan (Founder of DBT) to go through the following week:

“People with BPD are like people with third-degree burns over 90% of their bodies. Lacking emotional skin, they feel agony at the slightest touch or movement.”

― Marsha Linehan

“Responding to a suicide attempt by insisting that it must stop, and devoting the full resources of therapy to preventing it, is communication with compassion and care at its very core.”

― Marsha M. Linehan

“The bottom line is that if you are in hell, the only way out is to go through a period of sustained misery. Misery is, of course, much better than hell, but it is painful nonetheless. By refusing to accept the misery that it takes to climb out of hell, you end up falling back into hell repeatedly, only to have to start over and over again.”

― Marsha M. Linehan, DBT Skills Training: Manual

“Keeping a stiff upper lip may be needed while around the person invalidating you, but on your own, there is every reason to be compassionate and self-­soothing. It does hurt to be invalidated.”

― Marsha M. Linehan, DBT Skills Training: Manual

“It is hard to be happy without a life worth living. This is a fundamental tenet of DBT. Of course, all lives are worth living in reality. No life is not worth living. But what is important is that you experience your life as worth living—one that is satisfying, and one that brings happiness.”

― Marsha M. Linehan, DBT Skills Training: Manual

If you are going through some mental disorder or misunderstanding about mental illnesses, or you are a person who loves someone with some condition, then feel free to share your story here. Stories inspire!

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