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MENTAL HEALTH RECOVERY SELF STORIES

CHRONIC MENTAL ILLNESSES AND DEATH DESIRES

“How long has it been that you have not attempted suicide?” Asked a loved one, after seeing a smile on my face.

“Two years and counting!” I said with regrets.

Note: Please read accordingly. The following post may trigger suicidal feelings or traumas.

Suicides and self-harming are sensitive topics in Indian society. These are often taken for granted and people do regret on both sides. As far as I am concerned, India is rising in the number of suicides per year, and nobody is talking about the reasons or consequences.

Why does everyone think that suicide is a cowardly last resort? Why families regret after losing a part of them, knowing the person screamed for help? Of course, these questions are debatable, and I am not indulging myself in a debate because I have been there as a family member and the person.

It has been years that I share my feelings with anyone close because deep down, I know it is hard for them to understand why I feel the way I think.

After unsuccessful fifteen suicide attempts, I understood that there is a difference between people who are suicidal and people who just want the pain to stop. It is easy to understand, is not it?

Now, as I have got your attention, let’s talk about the difference for different people. There are people, who are terminally ill, mentally or physically, and people who feel that they need to die. The similarity between these is that nobody wants to die, in reality, it is the pain that speaks for them. It speaks for ending it for them.

I have spent months and countless sleepless hours to understand why a human; the basic need for a human is to live, wants to die. It is a grave feeling whoever feels, and it feels the last resort for every problem.

Suicidal People

Suicidal people, these people are challenging to recognize. After expressing their desires to people and not able to receive appropriate care to go through their traumas, they began their thoughtful planning to leave. It does not matter if a person is a scientist or a writer. Their minds know one thing only, and that’s to reach their goal to kill themselves. Whatever happens in their lives, the only option is to die, and they can’t help this unshakable feeling.

In personal experience, these people blend themselves to survive for the final day. Each action they perform is always leading them to their aim. Death is bittersweet truth, and it is often accepted, but think of a person, who has accepted this truth and does not want to die painfully. This thought gave two weeks of sleepless time and, then came the understanding that the only way they succeed in life was to know that they would kill themselves.

These people could be the mental illnesses survivor or physically terminally-ill. And the joyous people to know in life. Their perceptive of life is not just different, but of change.

People who want to end the pain

You had a bad day at work, school, or college, and you feel something crawling inside, and that feeling says that you should end. Wait here! What should end? At first, it feels like life, but, in reality, it is pain that disguises itself. Mostly, emotional pain comes for the end of life situation and not physical pain. Why does pain work like that?

We are taught how to understand physical pain. If you meet with an accident and you are physically hurt, the first thought comes that you should get help or overcome it somehow to survive. What if you got diagnosed with a personality disorder or depression? You can’t see these to overcome. You have no idea what they are because nobody gives you knowledge about them. No one told you how to ease yourself in emotional pain.

There are ways which help people in emotional pain. People turn to substance abuse or self-harm. These methods are closer to reach, are not they?

In personal experience, these people don’t want to die. They know that they need to end something, and it takes time for them to realize that it is their pain they desire to end and not life.

Thoughts if you feel suicidal or wants to end the pain

  • Always remember that you can breathe for another day.
  • Always keep something as a reminder that pain does not last.
  • Always seek ways to heal yourself and avoid drugs and alcohol.
  • Learn to channelize your energies for something productive or to sleep.

You may be a chronic mental illness survivor or someone who does not understand how to handle painful feelings, know what you feel before you take another step.

People are here to help if you let them. And not all methods are for you. So, understand which way may heal you.

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