The object of an art is to give life shape. –Jean Anouilh
An artist will betray himself by some sort of sincerity. – G.K. Chesterton
I am not here to speak about my life or just myself. I would love to tell you about our life and her story. For very few moments of my life, I felt love and loved. I am not complaining that my parents failed to love me. However, I would like to tell that I never felt love before her. I had been with many women but she changed my life in a much-unexpected way.
All I know is that she is gone away from me for a very long time. I could not speak to her anymore. I wish her spirit would come to me and explain her step. I am fond of beauty. Moreover, she had the most beautiful beauty. Her heart was not black like others.
Her mind was not polluted. Her inner peace was gained with experiences. I am not here to complain about her absence from my life but I want to understand what made her take that step. Why did she kill herself? My purpose to recall everything is just to understand her in a better way. I am just a man now, who loved a woman very much, in spite of knowing the truth that she never loved me back.
Yes, she never loved me back. I was the only person in that relationship who was in love. Moreover, I never blamed her for not loving me back just for once. I understood that she was broken by the past. I told her to past the past but she wanted more and for her, more meant so much to her. I never understood what went into her brain but I was sure that one day she would accept me as her lover.
There is a difference between admirers and lovers. Admirers admire you for s short time but lovers love you forever. Whatever happens, their love would not get diminished. It will increase with time. There is an opening line from a poem by John Keats, “A thing of beauty is a joy forever….” There was always something to talk with her, about her and life. As I have come to life, I have one question, “What is life?” Think and answer accordingly.
For her life meant travelling alone, travelling to different places, cultures and meet strange people. For her, life was not a roller coaster ride. For her, it means deep emotions and feelings come when you see something different. She was not much of a traveller but she wanted to visit the world. I am not against her nor was I. I just wanted some moments with her of love, for love, and by love.
My wish was not fulfilled but I could only pray that her wishes come true. She always wanted to die peacefully and yes, she died without pain. She poisoned herself.
© Suraj Jangid