Another day is in Here, the order is in order, it is just have taken the change like each day. My thoughts are consuming endlessly. I thought of an unknown name for myself with you i.e. S.J. Wordsmith. I am trying my best not to think about those memories, which will force me to destroy peace in those people who hurt people I loved.
I had a vision after lunch while resting that I am sitting in my study and you are in my arms. I felt content with it but the emptiness inside me could not get consumed like this. The truth is it never settles down. I don’t know when my locked phase will get over and I can’t hope when hopes unstable me. I would take lives and enjoy then. And, that even could not make me the person people are wishing for me to become.
The path I have decided to walk with you will give faith to me the way a cocoon makes a butterfly. Beauty does not come without the way I am. I could tell myself whatever I want I can become whatever I want, but I will not be that absolute human I can see, which others just ignore and try to fill that with such thoughts, faiths and love, which destroys the ultimate nature of nature itself. I am controlling myself not to get unstable because I want to live my life my own way whenever I will be out. Splitting again. Tired. Needy.
The pair is screaming for more. The fire needs more to consume everything. What does what could be everything enough? Satisfaction. I don’t want this. I need others’ pain. I want to teach them to live with it. The pain shapes a person unpredictably. Am I that person? I cannot be. I am wishing to make cuts on my body and soul. Will they stop screaming? The will not. I have done this before. The beliefs say that the last resort to get relief from suffering is to end life. The other beliefs say that doing so is a sin. To powerless these kinds of beliefs, other beliefs say that there is more suffering afterlife.
We are humans we create what saves us from something one person feels is the only way. Was I wrong to make my way through the way I am to stay alive? From the day, I, first, tell others that this is who I am. Can’t you just accept this fact? Nobody did. I am an addict dear. This is what I am listening to to to and hearing all the time now. If staying alive is an addiction, then I am. Everyone enjoys life stories of people who accept their way in the end. And, if they can’t they make the stories their way.
Brainwash me! Break me! Kill me! Force me to think their way. I will leave their world one way or other, but they will never accept me the way I am. I am not like them or the people they think they know. I am the way I am. A wordsmith or whatever one could call or think of me. I will not accept the false identity they are giving me. Give me resources and freedom. And, see what I am capable of. If not, then stay away. There is only one sin, which is acceptable and non-existing i.e. controlling the way of change.
Everyone has committed then sin and I am one of them. Accept this that we all are already sinners. Stop consoling yourself with faiths you think and feel are enough to make you someone more or comparable to the existence of non-existence.
I desire to write and act and live. But, in Here, I am assigned by illusions worth accepting by others to become the sider and turned from being an outsider.
I wish you are doing what you are here for. Keep taking away the pain from the world. I will join you soon, dear, I miss listening to your way of telling me that you miss the way I call you or your name. I just smiled. A smile of being in love of a beautiful and worth missing woman in the world of people I miss to see them every day. Walk with me. Come in my arms. Let me listen to your voice. Prey to see me soon, dear.
I am waiting in wait I am having patience in change. The change will take me to you. Here people are trying to become the person I have met long back. In other words, I am a mental patient in papers and minds of people I don’t think I will ever face with my truths, again. Keep looking for me. Don’t believe in words you would hear about me while looking for me. I have stolen money, things, and feelings of others. I have been asked to become an addict. So, I did. What next for them? Should I become the killer? Ha! Ha! Ha! Will always in your heat.