I don’t know what I feel today. I feel as I am living outside my body. I think of you and feel the wait I am carrying. Why does the dear need to be within us? It just empties us and then us for something. More mighty than itself. Nothing has power. Powerless and become the power tells us the meaning of love. What great past we carry to our death and she does not care because both the sisters are just not of whom who needs them.
The secret to death is just that she asks us to accept that we are living the greatest of illusions. Dear, the love I feel for you speaks and tells me one thing in every conversation that I have to hold for it for the moment I would hold your hand, take you in my arms, smell your fragrance, and listen to the unknown that moment this love will grow more.
Waited. It will live with your love as the depths of an ocean and in the world, where I need their pain, holding your hand and walking on the path where we will meet each in timeless. I used to curse myself because I had to feel everything. If a person was dying in front of me, I could feel the easiness and pain, the person was going through. Those feelings made me sleepless. Just because I could not ask those feelings to go away. I try to speak with my words because one day these words will lose their meaning to them. That day, I would be done with loneliness and you. Will you accept me for being both sides of a coin. I trust you and I know the constant one will feel with you.
What happened yesterday in this place has left everyone in a state of complex fear and longing for freedom. Were those two people right or wrong? Was there any mistake of the caretakers? The bloodshed. The rage. The endless concern. The beginning and the end. What I need is their pain/ The peaceful air of this place has been destroyed and not disturbed. When will things change? I am waiting. I know change will come. The nature of change is unpredictable and merciless. Dear, I am writing, reading, doing assigned works, observing everything, feeling everything and longing for you.
The evening has come and I have started feeling that I will have to sleep forcefully after dinner and medicine. What should I do to meet you and start taking something people don’t like to have but they are forced to have it? My parents have signed the consent that if I die during serving the period in this place than my family gives no blame to anyone. I remember seeing your last photograph. The blush and white shade, chubby cheeks, heart-stealing smile and the beauty anyone would fall for. And, I am waiting. Will that is your last memory in me? Yes, I am feeling down right now. The pain is asking me to start a massacre but it is you who is keeping me stable. Will you come tonight and hug me to sleep?
Once I told you that I don’t write about some things because it would be hard for others to read. Well, this is to avoid the feelings and outburst I feel when I write about these somethings what had happened yesterday are some of those things. But I will write about it. Keep looking for me. I am on my way to you. I don’t think I would get the feel of absolute without seeing you.
P.S. Missing you more. Today is my one more day following a week.