Letter 4 | The Dark Diary


My body has started to swell. I can feel the pain of hopelessness in the back of my eyeballs. I am trying to obey everyone. Here just to make sure that I am not asked to do something more addictive than writing, reading, and thinking about you. Tell me, dear, is feeling the need of being contented not being granted to me? I need satisfaction and to that extent where I stop feeling the pain. I want to cry. I want to feel your fingers on my face. I can’t count the times, I changed myself just to feel free from the way I think. Should I stop doing the change thing and become the kindest or cruelest person a world ever see in centuries? I can do that.

What will I get nothing more than those feelings and emotions I know about. Truth for now is that I am trying to reach you, and I am not truthful about feelings. Put me alive inside the ground or hang me in the sky but don’t burn me. I desire everything, and I will get everything.

Hell with the things, people, and the way I feel. Embrace me with your beauty and walk with me. I am a greedy person. Yes, I am greedy for knowledge. I talk about the pain I feel, but it is not pain. It is what creativity trying to develop as an idea of absolute and perfect human nature. It will take time to settle the unstable security. It makes me feel worthless to know the fact that the woman I love has no idea where I am. The stigma of life of mine asks for your voice to low down the horrors.

Here, people are telling me that I am getting withdrawal symptoms. Trust me, I have experienced every single of them. I feel like I am trapped with red-ants. They are bitting me. I can’t scratch to ease the pain. I know, for sure, that if I start scratching, I will not stop. I will bleed myself, and a promise will be broken. If doing the hurt part world ease the unexplainable pain, then I would have done that. I hurt myself in both ways; emotionally and physically. I could not just let out the deepness of my sufferings. I know I bleed every inch of body and soul to it. I could not feel the easiness like others. This is what I am. An absolute error and step of human evolution.

I learned humans came into existence to exploit their true nature. You also know those theories of human evolution. If I think about those theories, then the inevitable mother nature energy still trying to create and build and pass on the responsibility to take control of unknown existences. If someone gets to know that we are the part of that experiment, which would open the secrets of creation then that someone will make sure that our existence never gets the darkness as we know about it. So, why do the devil we have pre-installed fear of getting vanished? We were never the monsters but that dimension, which is creating the creation.

Here people talked to me and asked, “I don’t talk, think, work and sleep like them. Then why am I here? Why are you putting yourself in the place where you listen to the words, which are meant for us?” I said, “Because I have taken the drugs like them.” I want to sleep, but I can’t. I want to feel the easiness but I can’t.

In the afternoon, when I was asleep and woke up by the director. I was dreaming about a little and beautiful existence. I was dreaming that I was holding my daughter, and first words from a father were “Welcome! Goddess’s beautiful Goddess. Will that moment come with you? I wish to pull your cheeks now. What is what asking me to do by putting me in situations I could not take more? Soon is not enough now. I need to do what I feel I am born for. Not a purpose! Not a desire! Not a faith! But just to take away the pain of others because I can have it for no other reason than the blackhole emptiness I carry. Now, I need all their suffering.

A smile of satisfaction would fill me with great inevitable existence’s love. I have decided something. I feel I have found the sole reason for the way I think. I want to be a savior. I don’t care what it will take to take away some pain out from people, but I will do it. Just walk with me. Hold my hand and walk on the path, which you have chosen, and I have embraced it. My endless visits to the doctor. My father’s chronic illness. My mother’s inability to feel beyond her installed false truths. Early deaths. Sexual abuse. Inability to cry. The constant need to feel numb, and the words are now endless. Your life and my life. Let’s make it one. Let’s make a better world to breathe at night. Stay with me, my love.

I can’t wait to hear your voice again, but waiting has taught me the importance of great love. One day, I will curtain up from the greatest illusion as created by most knowledgeable human, who has no name, no existence but the illusion with us to be the slave of it forever. The illusion is Time. The sisters will have to give me all that pain now.


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