There are speculations everywhere about my mental condition, and the speculations always end up in my ear from the people I feel I trust and it hurts like a thunderbolt, but there is no suffering, just pure agony that makes me think to stop everything at the moment.
It’s being around two years that I’m trying to manage my life without anyone interfering much. It feels great! It feels painful! I’m not confused about how I feel most of the time, but I choose not to tell about it because whatever I feel is intense and not like the intense a person feels once in a while.
I want to tell people that stop blaming me for everything I say turns terrible for you. Honestly, most moments I don’t even want to tell people how I think. The way my brain works is still part of my life; I am learning.
Right now, I know that I can think of thousands of situations irrespective of positive and negative thoughts once you give something to think about. Maybe this is why I can write better, and I am proud of it.
Last week, an old friend called me up and talked about things that are common in our lives, and that turned out of the window. She felt as if I am always trying to make things worse. That hurt!
The exact words, “You give negative vibes and stop living in the BPD zone!”
These words made me think of losing everything I am trying to build — a life with less suffering. I feel burdened to stay alive. And, I’m not asking for saving. I will ask for help someday, but you should feel willing to help. This is to everyone in life who is dealing with a mental condition and trying to help someone.
I feel sad when someone with some unrecognized intention says, “You feel negative! Stop being in the BPD Zone! You’re blaming everything to a mental condition.”
I read everything about Borderline Personality Disorder or Emotional Dysregulation Personality Disorder in the last six years to work on my recovery, and it’s not easy!
The following excerpt defines a little what I feel as a borderline:
“I couldn’t trust my own emotions. Which emotional reactions were justified, if any? And which ones were tainted by the mental illness of BPD? I found myself fiercely guarding and limiting my emotional reactions, chastising myself for possible distortions and motivations. People who had known me years ago would barely recognize me now. I had become quiet and withdrawn in social settings, no longer the life of the party. After all, how could I know if my boisterous humor were spontaneous or just a borderline desire to be the center of attention? I could no longer trust any of my heartfelt beliefs and opinions on politics, religion, or life. The debate queen had withered. I found myself looking at every single side of an issue unable to come to any conclusions for fear they might be tainted. My lifelong ability to be assertive had turned into a constant state of passivity.”― Rachel Reiland, Get Me Out of Here: My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder
This may sound a little discouraging, but this is a little piece of infinite pain a borderline feels.
The simple way to understand the concept of negative and positive in a borderline place is only that these two feels intensely breaking. I fight every moment to stay in the moment because I am a borderline and anything can hurt me worse than the death.
There is a list of books available if you are trying to know more BPD because knowing about it is the only to help the person with it. Check them:
Girl, Interrupted by Susanna Kaysen
I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality by Jerold J. Kreisman
Get Me Out of Here: My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder by Rachel Reiland
The Buddha and the Borderline: My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder through Dialectical Behavior Therapy, Buddhism, and Online Dating by Kiera Van Gelder
I will be ending this attempt to tell that there are people who suffer and there are people who make their suffering a bad experience. I’m Borderline: Not Negatively or Positively Wired!
If I didn’t understand why I feel the way I feel, then I would not be a writer as I am today.
If you feel that someone in your reach is suffering from a mental condition, then don’t leave. Try to help by only staying with the person first.